My growing up was fairly easy and I could just go along with the flow of things...the flow I was in was pretty smooth.
I figured I'd go to college but I didn't really have any feeling about which one I wanted to go to. My parents eventually said that they'd be glad to send me to a particular school in a town where they both grew up. "OK."
After, I got there I didn't have any feeling about what I wanted to major in. Nursing was somewhat interesting but I was EASILY talked out of it. Eventually my parents said, "If you don't know what you want to do, education is always something good to fall back on." "Oh, OK."
I think that I always assumed that I'd get married and have children. And, I did fall in love and we had three precious babies.
But, I never had any big feelings about my "perfect wedding". I didn't even care about putting away all the very thoughtful wedding gifts. I had no big ideas about setting up a home or about any future dream house. Not only that, but I also didn't care about what all wives and mothers 'should'...COOKING! I hadn't cared about learning it growing up and therefore, had no confidence about it now.
The thing that was really hard for me to understand was motherhood. I loved my children and enjoyed being with them, talking to them, taking care of them but I didn't need to talk about them 24/7 as it seemed that other mothers did. It seemed that other mothers worried about many things in regard to their children. I did not. If there was a problem, I took care of it. I didn't need to make it the focus of conversations. I was never worried about pregnancy, birth, child raising...nothing. I felt a quiet confidence about it and yet I was not like the other mothers that stood out in my mind. Why am I not engrossed in thoughts and conversations about my children? What's wrong with me? What thoughts and conversations was I interested in? What did I care about?
I am so ignorant and I have no goals! I would feel so much better about me if I knew what I was good at. Damn! I'm not good at anything and I have no direction! I have nothing to show for myself!
DAMN! I AM WORTH LESS THAN OTHERS AND I HAVE NO PURPOSE!
Even so, I felt generally loved and respected and not many knew that I dealt with these feelings. In most instances of my great disappointment with myself, I bounced back quickly. But, eventually, all the balancing act I could manage finally fell, crushed under an emotional breakdown.
But, something I'd heard years before would come into my mind, off and on..."We do the best we can given what we understand." Somehow, that gave me a sense of relief, of hope. I knew I had to get more understanding. I wasn't sure what it was exactly but I had HOPE.
